you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
