Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
