So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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