Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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