Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
