ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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