If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize