Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
