girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
