come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
