ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
