my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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