Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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