I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
