i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
