You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
