My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
