who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
