i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
