just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
