I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
