In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you had me at cake vodka
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
