birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
