Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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