Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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