In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just found a bag of teeth...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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