Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
