There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
