I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
