i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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