P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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