you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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