I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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