You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize