but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
