Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
