I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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