Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
