I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Drunk is not a location!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
