Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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