I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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