Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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