So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
