So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
