strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
