sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
