My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
