now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
