ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
