i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
