I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
