We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
