i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
