I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
