Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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