I wish you could order shots online.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
