apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
