so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
