So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize