I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Drunk is a universal language darling
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
