I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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