does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
