wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
