I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
