Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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