matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
