we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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