george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
