i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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