Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
