I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
