so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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